GREETINGS

Swamiji, i am married for the last 20 years. i m christian by birth, married a hindu boy and am blessed with a son. our marriage was never a bed of roses, but we struggled through and did come out of every difficulty which i always thanked god for. but all those years i knew something wrong was going on behind my back which my husband would never agree and always rebuked me and made me feel that i was so low to think of him in such manner. there was the presence of another woman who was friendly with him before marriage. i was not aware at the time of marriage of the presence of his other girl friends. i came to know of all his deeds only much after my marriage with him. but i put past behind us and lived on as normal couple. of late, i discovered the pictures of this female on our computer and i questioned him again. on many occassions in the past i have questioned him when i have seen some sms or missed calls or something that has caught my attention. but he refused everything point blank. he always looked into my eyes and told me plain lies without batting an eyelid. when i discovered these pictures, i felt there is something more than that meets the eye and i kept questioning him again and again and he said he has no feelings for that woman. she is married and has two kids. he also mentioned that he has no feelings for her but maybe she still has some feelings for him as they were friendly before marriage. that struck me hard and i said i have to probe deeper into this. so i prayed to god to show me the truth and he did show me. i was able to get into his mail and lo! what do i see – a series of emails and pics and accounts of what they have been doing all these years. their relationship has been going on for the last 16 years and they have been cheating on both the spouses and going to different places and meeting and staying together,,,,,,,,. i brought this to the notice of my husband and he again denied to everything. but i told him that i have evidence and gave him two options. one to start life again on a clean slate or i walk out on him with my son. he said sorry and said i must not leave him and that he would change his ways. the following days he was in a bad shape and i forgetting my pain and hurt supported him to stand on his legs and today atleast he is able to function normally. now two months have passed, now my hurt is surfacing. in one month i lost 10 kgs, cant concentrate on anything, am not able to face people, sit and cry and due to which i m falling sick also. i m getting chest pain and bouts of breathlessness. i have started hating him from the core of my heart, but i cant hate him when i see him suffering. with gods grace my child is unaware of what is going on. my question is whether i can trust a man who has always lied to me. i cant write so much in detail. all those words when he has denied looking into my eyes just dosnt go from my mind. i am a shattered human being today. the hurt is so much when i remember all those years when he had physically abused me and mentally tortured me and i have taken it all thinking there will be some ray of hope. but this was the last straw, my son is in 11th standard. i am waiting for him to finish his 12th and i am thinking of leaving my husband for good because everytime i look at him all the deception, the planning, the cunningness, the lies all come in front of me and am unable to forgive him in any manner. i m doing all my duties as naturally as possible so that the house does not get disrupted. he is also hurt and is taking time to come out of it, but is trying. sometimes i feel why should i look at his hurt, which is self brought upon. i m the one who has suffered at his hands and is still suffering. i cant approach my parents as they were not very keen on this marriage and now when they have accepted everything, i dont want my old parents to die of shock. also our families are of good repute so i dont us to fall in the eyes of people. In short, swamiji you can imagine what my condition is. my husband doesnt go to temples, but he lights lamp everyday in our puja room and he says that there is only one supreme god and he believes only in that. i used to think very high of him because of his principles. now he has fallen so badly in my eyes, even he is not able to meet my eyes. i dont know why he did all this or why god made him do all this, but whatever has happened is really bad and i am not able to find a solution for this. everytime, i think i will stay back, my mind tells me that i should not trust him anymore and that i should not listen to his requests of me not leaving him. there are two things that hurt me the most 1) he told me that she is his weakness and i am his strength 2) when i asked him whether he never felt for once that he was doing wrong – he said “he didnot feel so” (this he said out of anger, i dont know) I have told you in short of what i am going through, but the mails that i have read, i cant even express how and what i feel about the writings or her pictures and cant take it out of my mind. even after all this, i have not told the woman anything or taken any action against her, only thinking of the two kids who will suffer when they will know what their mother has been doing. her son is also a teenager. i told my husband also that i m proud that i am not taking any action against her only because of her kids and her husband, Our family is ruined, but i dont want another family to face the same. my husband is a very silent person, he will not answer anything that i or anyone ask him. he is most of the times in his own world. so he never discusses life or anything. he is just a good listener and will tell that he has nothing to talk about. he is not a bad person as such. he is very helpful. the problem is that he sees other people sufferings more than his own peoples. he always used to say “aham brahmasmi” . Now i asked him where is the god in him, didnt god tell him what was right and wrong. he has no answer. i think swamiji, you would have got what i m trying to tell you. i dont know how to deal with this matter. when i was working, my colleagues used to call me “solution master” as i always had solutions to whoever had problems. today also i guide people as much as possible. maybe because of my belief in god, i am still sane and able to go on living. i know i have not committed the sin, so i should live with my head high, but when i think that i left everything for this man, i crumble to pieces. that is my condition today. please help me swamiji. please keep this in full confidence.