GREETINGS

The way i was brought up in my early teenage years and the things i have been told has created a lot of shame in me.I try to hide it under the mask of humility but this shame is also creating a lot of fear in me.I even fear being myself in front of other people,not everyone but the older judgmental people. I am not the quiet passive girl i was before,i have changed a bit and today i am more courageous and when i tell people my opinions in my family,they act as if they are frightened by the change.I have been taught somewhere that being servile and polite is the best and so i really tried it practically and i feel so much like i am losing a part of myself and my self -esteem.I feel like i am selling myself cheaply and so people buy me cheaply,like i dont respect myself even though i am pretty talented and nice because i carry myself like that and this is partly because of the shame inside of me,i am always humble and some people take undue advantage of that and it hurts me.These people are obviously the lower class people not the nice decent ones (by lower class i mean the mental depth and moral quality not monetarily) who are just stupid ,ruthless and indecent .Eg.there was this old man at work,he was 57 ,fat,ugly ,dirty vulgar and perverted but thinks of himself as a young college guy,i am 23 i had to learn somethings at work from him so i was always nice,polite and humble to him but he had some other interests in me,asked me to come with him when his wife was gone,used to call me up on almost every weekend,when i told him i am not interested in such things ,am an honest person he told me i am an old-fashioned person,and then he tells my colleague that i am an old lady and asked my colleague why he was walking around with an old lady like me,he is a perverted ugly man and makes such advances at other young girls too but he has never said anything like that to any other girl so why is he saying that about me.Once he said he cared about me and asked if i had depression,does this mean that i sell myself very cheaply that people think i am desperate for care and affection and do i appear easy and should i talk with some ego so people stop buying me so cheaply.Just yesterday,a stupid, fat and arrogant guy told me that i have no brains and shouldnt be working where i am working.He was not anyone from work and doesnt really know me to judge me said that because of the way i behaved.Am i being too servile and fearful.When one of my friend used to order me around i used to listen to her and she loved feeling like the queen by targeting me and treating me like i knew nothing though now i stopped doing that because i have better people in my life.These were just examples to show how people treat me because i behave like the way i do.I feel like this fear and shame is covering up the real me and the bad control freaks use that to control and feel superior and that hurts me a lot.This never happened in school and college because though i was always quiet my performance in exams spoke about my intelligence and nobody treated me badly or doubted my character in fact they used to encourage me.But now things are different and i need to get rid of my shame and fear if i have to live a peaceful life in the real world outside.I really need some help and suggestions. please help me and suggest me ways in which i can do it.Sorry for my long story