GREETINGS

Swamiji’s answers and his talks that i watch whenver i get time has always helped me but sometimes i get stuck in my problems again.Is there any way i can get out of it?I can understand everything emotionally and intellectually,but when i come face to face with some people i again become like before and i act like a big fool and sometimes i am conditioned to behave like that because of my past experiences,i like being like that to some extent as people will never know who i really am and i can safely hide myself and show it only to those people who deserve it and who truly like me or are my true well-wishers.But then this is making me more of a coward and its reducing my courage to a great extent to be the real me and it is actually making me feel like i am not really present in this world but i am withdrawing myself into a shell.And i am acting like a naive fool partly to escape jealousy and hatred and to get sympathy,love and kindness,there are some girls who cant take it if there is someone better than them in looks or talent and i dont want them to steal my joy ,peace and happiness.One of my colleagues just told me that she is extremely talented and is very special and there is no one like her but there are thousands like me ,she is not mean to everyone but this is the way she is to me always and she tries to poison her friends against me too except for the nice and strong girls this is not affecting me much now because i have some good people as friends outside of work yet i got to know that there are a lot of girls like this and if you get too close to them they can infect your mind with insecurity,jealousy and hatred too.I am quite attractive but not conventionally beautiful,i am not fair skinned and i was taught at home that beauty is directly proportional to fairness of your skin and believed that till i found the truth about physical beauty being in how good your features and skin are and then i learnt that real beauty is how good your heart is and that beauty and joy and serenity shines through you making you really and actually beautiful ,i have experienced this sometimes but then it goes away again and i feel dull and gloomy again. I am pretty sharp but shy and sometimes fearful so some people think i am stupid till they get to know me closely.My past experiences has made me feel like a victim always and i feel the constant need to please everyone and like i am helpless and always worried what others will say or think about me.I used to hate the people who conditioned me like that from my childhood but now i realized that they love and care for me and they have realized their mistakes and changed with time,but my mind cannot forget the past and the reactions that it caused inside of me ,they have seemed to create a permanent wound in me.Can being close to negative and envious people get their negativity to rub onto you too,i have heard that it happens a lot.One of my friends told me i give too much power to other people,so how do i stop all this.I would be very grateful once again for your help