GREETINGS

I am trapped and dont know what to do.I lost my dad at a very early age in life and i have a mother who always acts helpless and someone who is filled with excessive fear and anxiety but extremely cultured and loving and quite strict.I have never in my life ever been allowed to be myself,do what i love to do and be who i really am or even chose the person i like or am interested in .Today i feel like my life is a hell at home with the mother who never lets me do what i want to do and i am also engaged with this guy who seems to be highly qualified and is always busy and makes me feel more lonely than i was before.He is a great guy who is honest and hard working and i feel like he can be a great friend but i dont see him as a lover or fiance or a husband.I just cant,his nature is absolutely different and i cant seem to relate to it and i am not emotionally happy at all (i am an extremely emotionally needy person)and i feel extremely painful,hurt and empty on the inside and i have also closed the door to the other guys who were interested in me,I also feel guilty for playing with this guy’s life as well as mine ,he could have chosen someone else who could better relate to him.I just dont know what to do.I feel so trapped and i cant think of breaking this engagement because this is arranged marriage and he has no major fault except that he has a very busy schedule and no time.My life has been filled with loneliness,emptiness and depression though sometimes i have had bouts of happiness because of some wonderful friends and professors that i have come across.I have also been in love before though i have never crossed the boundaries because of my culture and morals but i know how love feels and i feel i cant love this guy for the rest of my life.I feel like dying many times but i have a nice job with some supportive people and i have some talent and my problem is i am extremely emotional and dependent person and badly need someone who can emotionally understand and satisfy me and be there when i am down. i have tried to strengthen my mind but i have failed,it is easy to say all the spiritual stuff but very hard to do it in real life and i feel like i cant live this life without any freedom anymore.Please help